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12 October 2007 @ 02:33 pm
something else.  
 i'm not quite sure what to write because i'm not at all sure what exactly i'm feeling right now. never in my life have i ever been this confused about everything. people piss me off. now more than ever. i have never been trying harder to just be a fucking recluse. aside from my family and maybe like 3 or 4 people i'm pretty much done with the rest of the world...for now at least. i'm tired of dealing with fakes, bitches, assholes, and proximity friends. proximity friends being those that i work with. it's funny. we never hang out ever and i only ever see you at work. we're both nice and amiable to each other, but we have no real friendship basis. i hate being friends with people i work with anyways because it never makes for good conversation...you always fucking talk about dumb shit that happens at work. and maybe yeah, i come out of work with an occational interesting story, but other than that i want to talk about it as little as possible. so apparently im the bad guy if i refuse to go out of my way and do a favor for a proximity friend. why would i? what the fuck is the point? so you know that you don't have to be my real friend to get shit from me...haha no. but anyways and whatever. i am saddened and disgusted at the fact that i've lost touch with some of my more amazing friends...but only 50% of the blame rests on me. the phone works both ways and apparently neither my friends or myself have figured that out...but whatever. i have blake...which seems to be the last remaining nonfamily constant in my life. i don't know if that's good or bad. at least i have someone.

romance does nothing more than disgust me anymore. mostly because my heart lies in an impossible situation in a place that is 666 miles away >.< but that seems to be nothing more than par for the course in my life. no romantic situation i have ever gotten myself into has ever been normal or healthy. whether it be in england or south fucking carolina. when it comes right down to it, i'm an idiot. for years i have been so quick to fall in the most rediculous circumstances...everything from a pathological lier to futureless fucking bum to an abusive asshole (which was my fault anyways). i can't seem to get anything right when it involves other people.

but i guess i'm okay...for once in my life my lonliness doesn't bother me and it isn't affecting my progress in other areas. fuck it and whatever...or something.

by the by...i still havn't quite smoking...i have no willpower to do anything that matters apparently.
Current Mood: highhigh
Current Music: coheed and cambria - the running free
blwnspeakre on November 16th, 2007 05:49 am (UTC)
what it is, mutha fucka. sincerely hope your're not talkin bout me. pretty sure everyone hates me now. but whatevah. blwnspeakre@gmail.com
email me sometime... dun chat or nothin any more, but ya never know. would be nice. anyway... ill be off. you can just ignore me if you feel like it. thanx k bye.