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the greatest thing that never was.
07 August 2011 @ 02:04 am
So today while I was looking under some internet rocks, I came across my old friend livejournal! Long since been phased out by the evolution of myspace into facebook, the will soon be inevitably smited by google+ or whatever the new thing is. It all sickens me only very slightly. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoy the conversations of many folks from all over the country, and many of my friends have moved away as I have moved away from them, and I enjoy social media as a means to stay in contact when otherwise we would not. But I see the behavior of my siblings and their friends and it saddens me to see that late night phone conversations and the assembling of the crew has been replaced with status updates and chain mail. I guess everyone is so wrapped up on their own head that they really do think that people give a shit about their random thoughts. Some people do, they comment, they like, and they lurk. Stalking has never been so easy. Why have private lives you only share with family and friends when you can post everything on the internet! But I am but a pot and they are the kettle. But the difference here is that I don't think the 6 or 7 friends that I actually have on here even post of update anymore. This is more or less just a writing exercise for myself. Haven't really done any sort of writing in a while and I think it would be good to get back into the habit. Good sentence structure is something that has always been important to me and nothing beats you down like being out a practice at something. But if proper paragraph structure is something that you're looking for you might as well just head elsewhere.

But it doesn't hurt to occasionally break off so you don't overwhelm people with large quantities of text. Because people don't have the greatest of attention spans, especially if they're in a place where they can't smoke. Then nothing else matters.

Life is a strange and beautiful thing. I can remember having thoughts when I was little about why I was me. Why was my particular brain functions in this particular body, and what was it like to be other people? Why couldn't I still exist and not be ME anymore? Everything always felt like a waste of time. Kinda just wanted to fizzle out. I don't feel that way so much now, there's good days and there's bad days, but every day that you wake up and take a breath if a gift. It always helps to remember that the good times wouldn't be so good if the bad times didn't hurt. Life keeps moving no matter what happens so you have to make the most of whatever that is. Once again this is just me talking to myself because it's not like anyone will read this. Daily reminders.

I do need to resolve to be better though. Must complete the primary main objective before my birthday. I need to read more and watch less tv. And I need to draw more. I kinda fell into a rut and I'm slowly pulling myself back out of it. Might write some storyness on here and translate it into comic form eventually. I need to play with photoshop on my laptop more. In a couple of months I get a vacation and in a week I get all my cavities fixed. I just need to remember to floss everyday and not to eat candy before bed.

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So, how does it start? A man-made chemical spill? Some sort of global catastrophe that causes the plates to shift, creating tidal waves and epic storms that wash away entire coastlines, causing entire continents to crash into each other in some sort of backwards pangea(sp later) setup. Everything organic mutated, growing to ridiculous sizes. The plants and the animals became one, the insects took on oddly humanlike qualities and began to hunt the flower dwellers as their food. But how did it start??! What was it that seeped into the ground and caused the very essence of our ecosystem to become mutated and unbalanced. I'm not quite sure yet. I know where I want to go but not knowing where it comes from really bothers me. There's always scientists. Maybe an experimental pesticide. A geneticist working with crossing the dna of plants with humans so when born we can perform photosynthesis and make our own fuel from the sun. Maybe there was a war? With nuclear explosions that devastated the entire world. But a vast amount of the serum developed by our geneticist made it into the water supply and when combined with the radiation it rapidly mutated and spread throughout the world. Maybe. Good brainstorming for today.
 
 
Current Location: da bed
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: everclear - learning how to smile
 
 
the greatest thing that never was.
22 February 2009 @ 06:25 pm


the last time i attempted to do any sort of blogging was late in 2007. it is now early 2009. most of my writing has been done in real life formats or just not at all. happiness made me need to write a lot less.

after saying it at least a dozen times i am finally coming back to ohio. i can't say for good, but i can say for now. i know i can't stay there forever...but there are a lot of things that i need to fix/do and not having to pay rent would make these things much easier to accomplish. why would i be coming back now, is the question you may find yourself asking. things have never been more promising for my life in pittsburgh, but i simply cannot bring myself to stay here. i chased a white rabbit down into his hole, and i found a world of wondrous pleasures and unbelievable delights. but the queen of hearts herself declared i was to be beheaded, and my rabbit stood firm next to his queen. and then i came to realize that this beautiful world had never really existed...it was nothing but a sweet and terrible dream. that is why i'm coming back to ohio. it's weird...i'm left with just a sort of numbness...back in the same sort of limbo that always snared my senses, only this time without that hope that always called out in the back of my mind, the hope that lead me to the rabbit hole.

however, i can say this...since 2006 i have lost over 100 lbs and i'm still not done yet. eat your heart out =D it's one of the reasons i'm okay with everything, i am literally a different person. in my 20 years of existence i have never had only one chin...hahaha. i figure one more year of work and i'll be good. then i can get covered in tattoos. also want my hips pierced...yeah. many things need to be done. i also need to finish packing, considering i'm moving tomorrow evening. sigh. it's just bringing myself to do the last little bit that's left. i cannot tell you how difficult it has been finding the motivation to do anything at all. what do i do? what do i say? how do i make this right? am i even right? i am so completely lost right now and i'm just waiting to see what happens, because everything i ever thought i knew about my future was wrong. i feel like i'm staring at a blank slate, which is somehow okay and not okay at the same time. i just feel like i'm barely here and i don't know how to fix it. i have no idea...everything is an absolute mess right now. welcome back, katie.

 
 
Current Location: dormont
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: red hot chili peppers - on mercury
 
 
the greatest thing that never was.
12 October 2007 @ 02:33 pm
 i'm not quite sure what to write because i'm not at all sure what exactly i'm feeling right now. never in my life have i ever been this confused about everything. people piss me off. now more than ever. i have never been trying harder to just be a fucking recluse. aside from my family and maybe like 3 or 4 people i'm pretty much done with the rest of the world...for now at least. i'm tired of dealing with fakes, bitches, assholes, and proximity friends. proximity friends being those that i work with. it's funny. we never hang out ever and i only ever see you at work. we're both nice and amiable to each other, but we have no real friendship basis. i hate being friends with people i work with anyways because it never makes for good conversation...you always fucking talk about dumb shit that happens at work. and maybe yeah, i come out of work with an occational interesting story, but other than that i want to talk about it as little as possible. so apparently im the bad guy if i refuse to go out of my way and do a favor for a proximity friend. why would i? what the fuck is the point? so you know that you don't have to be my real friend to get shit from me...haha no. but anyways and whatever. i am saddened and disgusted at the fact that i've lost touch with some of my more amazing friends...but only 50% of the blame rests on me. the phone works both ways and apparently neither my friends or myself have figured that out...but whatever. i have blake...which seems to be the last remaining nonfamily constant in my life. i don't know if that's good or bad. at least i have someone.

romance does nothing more than disgust me anymore. mostly because my heart lies in an impossible situation in a place that is 666 miles away >.< but that seems to be nothing more than par for the course in my life. no romantic situation i have ever gotten myself into has ever been normal or healthy. whether it be in england or south fucking carolina. when it comes right down to it, i'm an idiot. for years i have been so quick to fall in the most rediculous circumstances...everything from a pathological lier to futureless fucking bum to an abusive asshole (which was my fault anyways). i can't seem to get anything right when it involves other people.

but i guess i'm okay...for once in my life my lonliness doesn't bother me and it isn't affecting my progress in other areas. fuck it and whatever...or something.

by the by...i still havn't quite smoking...i have no willpower to do anything that matters apparently.
 
 
Current Mood: highhigh
Current Music: coheed and cambria - the running free
 
 
the greatest thing that never was.
13 September 2007 @ 03:55 am
so...i have a plan. i've wanted to quit smoking for a while but never really had the motivation. and no it wasn't that whole thing that everybody pulls where they say they're waiting for a reason to come along. fuck that and fuck you. everybody uses their misery as an excuse to do bad things...but, alas, i am no different. anyways...as of right now i have not necessarily quit smoking so much as i have quit buying cigarettes. cigarettes can be obtained through careful rotated bumming, an art i am quite adept in. buy you see, in any given week i spend between $20-30 on cigarettes (non-smokers always become appalled when you reveal how much money you waste killing yourself.) but this is a significant amount of money being wasted...i do recognize this. so, as an incentive i plan to use this money to purchase a movie or a book every week. expanding my mind and collection. i generally like to think that i have good taste in movies and books (but who knows really.) but yeah...the point of this lame anecdote about my pitiful addiction is a sort weekly review about what i purchase. i dunno guys, work with me here. i used to have my spiff-n-kizzle movie review...now it's my sort of spiff-n-kizzle stuff review. the SnKSR. so, yeah, here goes. or something.

 

SnKSR

Cillian Murphey<3 and Colin Farrell, first of all. The movie takes place in Ireland so yay for everyone and their sexy accents. The storyline involves several different characters that become entwined in various ways involving love, sex, and violence. the writing will tug at your heartstrings and make you laugh of loud. gotta love the brown sauce.

 

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so yeah there you go...not much of a start but it's late and i'm tired. i just needed some sort of constructive way to channel my opinions about things that people don't normally care about. so excuse me for being lame.

lulz...found out one of the comics i own is worth like $1000...go me. received that by trading for a pack of cigarettes...good deal, no? Tales to Astonish #1 Starring the Sub-Mariner...is that <3 or what? being a nerd pays off.

I have become obsessed with the show Dexter and everyone ever needs to see it. it's about a serial killer that kills other serial killers...how can you not love that? but there's no way for you to properly understand the magnitude of its awesome with seeing it. if you have the resources i suggest the book it's based off of as well...Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsey. yeah, do it.

i think i shall write a letter and go to bed.

closing thoughts: no matter how many times i wash my hands the smell of garlic never wants to leave. more people should play gunbound with me. no one cares how drunk you get on the weekends.

 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: the beatles - blackbird
 
 
the greatest thing that never was.
09 September 2007 @ 09:57 pm

boo...i hate how every other day i end up sick in some way or another...i don't remember the last day that my body felt 100% alright...the whole weekend has either been spent at work or at home laying on the couch trying to find different ways to avoid not throwing up...few of which succeeded.

moodswings need to stop popping up around every corner and hitting me in the face with a baseball bat of shitty emotion...one of the things i love about myself is i generally feel like shit for no reason...nothing will happen but i will still want to die. hahaha! balls. fuck this town...i just love how people belittle you when they find out you're from ohio...and even more so when they find out you like the Browns. today was the home-opener and the Browns lost 34-7 to the fucking steelers. and of course i cannot wait to go into work and never hear the end of it. i don't even care about football...i just care about the Browns...if that makes any sense.

trying to change is annoying...drinking nothing but water is annoying. the other day my mom called me and i was in a particularly shitty mood...she told me to buy myself some pizza and feel better. instead i used the money i would have spent on pizza and bought myself the Lolita audiobook from amazon. so far Irons uses the voice once when he says "insolent hag." it's beautiful.

i should probably do some of the cleaning i said i would do this weekend...but i have just felt like complete shit and i fell asleep during the game today and didn't wake back up until a little bit ago. fuck tashina for wanting to come home tonight instead of tomorrow morning.

oh feelings, you tricky devils...why must you toy with me so?

 
 
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: the pillows - little busters
 
 
 
the greatest thing that never was.
07 September 2007 @ 01:43 pm

new livejournal...a fresh start of sorts. i don't remember the exact date but i know my original lj was created a number of years ago...and i started to use it regularly the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of high school. one of the things i did when i would fall in the seemingly inescapable well that it boredom was read my old entries. by the time i finished i would either be disgusted or depressed, but usually both. i remember i got the old lj back when you still needed a code to do so...my code was graciously bestowed by none other than josh...haha so oddly enough i always loosely associated my entire experience on this website with him in the twisted corners of my mind that just cannot seem to stop focusing on the past.

my life has taken some abrupt and interesting turns as of late...and with these turns come drastic changes. i've always wanted a sort of reform for my entire life and i think that now is the time that it is actually going to happen. today being the most significant. today i officially dropped out of the art institute of pittsburgh. it just wasn't for me. my lame cartoons simply did not make the grade. this does not mean that i have lost my love for cartoons and my minuscule ability to create them...nor am i going to consider myself a failure for...for...well. "giving up" seems to be the only thing that makes sense, but i do not like the sound of it. i am simply taking my life into a different direction. today is also the day that i start a sort of diet that i never seemed to be able stick to earlier in my life. i'm tired of hating myself and i think it's time to do something about it. small steps. i know i can do it...i've just never been very patient with a lot of things.

everyone has heard the horrible trite phrase "you have to love yourself before others can love you," or something to that effect. through many different experiences and many different feelings i am not even quite sure what love really is...and i'm even less sure that i have ever felt something so significant. i do not deny that some of the things i've felt in the past have been somewhat...overwhelming to say the least. but it goes back to something jeff told me a few years ago...is it even possible to feel something that you're not quite sure exists in the first place? i feel as if kevin was nothing more than a placeholder to ease the complete and utter loneliness i feel from time to time. i know i cared for him...but it scares me how quickly my deepest desires can become complacent and lackluster. but, for now, i feel as if i'm in a state of emotional limbo...suspended somewhere between what i thought i wanted and what would really make me happy. the need for companionship will always be prevalent...but throughout the years i have found comfort in my family and in blake...two entities within themselves that i cannot express my gratitude for in mere words. but i am human, and in being so i am selfish, so of course i long for more...but i have become a little more than content with suppressing that...for now at least. i am convinced that i need to make something of myself before i can truly make something of myself and someone else. but, who knows...thing happen, as they often do. someone could come along and sweep me off my feet before i have a chance to say otherwise. if no one does, it's safe to say that i'll be okay with it...for now anyways. plus...i still have a whole mess of lingering feelings that i could just never properly suppress.

but enough with vague realizations...let's focus on what makes the world go round...the specifics. i love my job and soon i might go about acquiring a second one. i'm going to be attending the university of phoenix online and eventually be an english teacher. i get to talk to andrew again and that fills me with a happiness i have not known for some time. i live with blake and tashina now and that can only be described accurately as "interesting." but, alas, the grille on seventh awaits me.

 
 
Current Mood: listlesslistless
Current Music: armor for sleep - all warm